Not Worth the Ink

Posted: by Speider Schneider in

"Dancing With The Stars" Dosey-Dos With Ho'sey Schmoes

New York City -- David "Stumbles" Hasselhoff, Bristol "Pull-Out" Palin, and Mike "The Legal Stipulation" Sorrentino will compete for the mirror ball trophy while society marks the official end of culture and intelligent thought.
Hasselhoff's sources said that Mr. Hasselhoff is very excited about dancing and loves the show as it usually signals time for a new bottle to be opened.

Britol Palin, who may or may not be pregnant again, or is just fat, told media sources that she hopes this will show her "cereal side" and open doors for dancing or politics.

"I could follow my mother's footsteps by being Queen of Africa or Head Princess of Canada, or somfin!"

"She said 'HEAD' Princess!" laughed Mike "The Frustration" Sorrento, who also laughed at the words, "utensil" and "filefolder."

"I'm gonna do her!" stated Sorrento. "F--- da dancin'! I'll bet she likes an ATM wit extra chocolate," he shouted to the press, most of whom were too busy vomiting to ask any further questions.

©Speider Schneider

McCain Head Of New Senate Committee

Washington D.C. -- Just released photo of Senator John McCain's head, kept alive with special chemicals and electric current is shown here. After his loss in the last election, he underwent surgery to have his head separated from his body for ease on the next campaign trail.

"The head of Senator McCain is quite alert and is more responsive without the body draining much needed energy and resources," claimed an unnamed source, who heads the team charged with caring for the Senator.

It was reported that the head must also be fed live hamsters twice a day as the Senator does need, "fresh blood and raw meat" as part of his new diet.

There were no comments on the rumor that a missed feeding last week caused a "rampage" by the head in which several staffers were involved.

"We are not commenting at this time," continued the unnamed source, "pending notification of staff family members. We have discovered that placing a bell jar over the head and injecting certain gases does keep the outbursts to a minimum."

©Speider Schneider

Schwarzenegger Pounds Out New Budget Solution

Santa Choppa, Kali-fornia -- California Governor, Arnold Terminegger, after issuing $354 million in IOUs to firms that do business with the state is asked what he thinks his chances are in 354 million of being reelected.

Reporters were confused and frightened when it was unclear whether he was signaling "one" or making a pistol with his hand gesture.

"He's capable of anything," screamed one reporter who claims to have seen the Governor stealing lunch money from grade school children in multiple playgrounds around the state.

When questioned on this rumor, Governor Schwarzenmessup replied, "ve haf to balance da budgit zomhow und I onlee bullied da nerdy keeds."

"He said he'd be back," cried eight year-old Sanjay Slivowitz, from the Jerry Brown Elementary School and Alternative Living Center.

"Then he pushed me down and made me lick some dog poo while he laughed and said enjoy the new lunch program, nerd!"

©Speider Schneider

Not The Breast Impression For Meagan McCain

Mountainville -- Meagan McCain recently shocked people who claimed they didn't get a "woody" from her Twitter shot of her twitters.

McCain claimed she was lounging in her apartment, wearing her usual casual clothes for relaxing, which consist of sweatpants, a tank top and an incredible push-up, see-thru bra because they are "comfortable."

"It was just a moment of poor judgement, taking the photo for Twitter, showing people the real me and how I spend a quiet evening at home," said McCain. "Can I help it if people are uptight at the sight of my luscious double Ds?"

McCain continued to explain that her "gynormous milk puppies" were thanks to private insurance and warned that a public option would leave women flat chested and without the desire to show their "sweet, sweet jiggle pillows" to men via the internet.

In other news, Congress has just voted down the public option bill with only two votes supporting the bill. Support came from Senator "flatsy" Snowe and Barney "didn't even look" Frank.

©Speider Schneider

The "CANDYMAN" Has Oompa-Lumpas!

China -- A Chinese man has made it into the world record books for never having used toilet paper. Won 'Crusty" Han says he was never taught to use toilet paper and believes it could have changed his life.

Speaking from his private cave, 100 kilometers from the nearest village, by order of the Chinese provincial authority and hundreds of anonymous, threatening letters, Won claims the build up might be lessened if he had been taught about bathing or at least washing his hands as a child.

He will receive a certificate in the mail as no official really wants to get near him, much less shake his hand.

©Speider Schneider

Politicians Found To Be Really Stupid Aliens

Washington D.C. -- A photo revealed today that the White House is actually a portal from another dimension and that upon stepping through the doorway "gate," beings from this world expand to resemble normal-sized human beings, excluding Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson, who may turn out to actually be from our dimension.

Vice President, Joe Biden, who is really named Verbaldiarrhea McBlabbermouth in his dimension, spoke to the press as otherworld figures rushed to silence him.

"Of course we're from another dimension," Biden/McBlabbermout beamed. "You people just don't know the right way to burn money and escalate unemployment and debt."

"He's just confused about the whole refrigerator vs. toilet thing," said President Obama, who, oddly enough bears the same name in his own dimension, as he slapped his hand over the Vice-President's mouth, causing the VP to struggle free and yell, "but I wasn't going to poop!"

©Speider Schneider

1980s UK Anarcho Punk Band Threat To New Universal Health Care Plan

Washington D.C. -- According to sources at a recent protest of the administrations universal health care plan, the 1980s UK anarcho punk band, Youth In Asia is planning on a murderous rampage of killing American Grandmothers.

According to signs carried by a newly married couple, first cousins who are the offspring of their first cousins, members of the band must really be pissed off. Asked how they knew of the impending attacks, the couple just looked at each other blankly.

When asked to comment on the warning placards, President Obama rolled his eyes and was overheard mumbling, "universal health care...morons...darwinism...just go die."

©Speider Schneider