Half the Lies About Me Are Untrue

Posted: by Speider Schneider in

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."
~ Oscar Wilde

Assorted Facts I Seem to Remember...

Ne'er-do-well & Trouble-stirrer
September 2007 – Present

Someone asked me where my articles appear. I said that they run every now and then in the Arizona Republic or are syndicated via Helium, on blogs here and there and I'm a regular contributor to Smashingmagazine.com (GmbH), Envato.com (Australia), ProcessedIdentity.com (Canada), WeGraphics (Italy) and Askmen.com (Canada, UK, USA). I thought about it later, considering the RSS feeds of these online magazines and reposts of my articles, I guess my articles appear on EVERY blog! See some of the numbers my articles pull in!

My blogging and social media for different clients has also garnered some pleasant returns. By using my network, I can bring in numbers your blog has never seen and that translates as sales!

The "maybe people will remember this quote when I'm gone" section:

"People have always said that I live on the edge of madness. I enjoy that neighborhood because I know what to expect from my neighbors and the rent is reasonable."

Occasional Showoff and Questioner of Authority
Hallmark Cards, Inc.
October 2000 - September 2007

Cards, party goods, gifts and other social expression merchandise loved by the world! I was fortunate enough to work with Disney/Pixar, Warner Bros., ESPN, Dr. Suess, Peanuts, Marvel and DC Comics, Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, Mattel, Harley-Davidson, LucasFilms and other top iconic brands

The "maybe people will remember this quote when I'm gone" section:

"Many people think that little elves create greeting cards at night but the truth is, they are carefully written, planned and executed by some of the worst personalities in the world. Megalomanics, pathological paranoids and obsessive psychotics are just some of the talented people who bring you the warm and fuzzy birthday cards you send to loved ones. Keep in mind that they are the good part of this business."

One of the Usual Gang of Idiots
MAD Magazine (Warner Bros.)
September 1990 - August 1998

Writing Spy vs. Spy, ad copy and other assorted dreck for pre-teen boys and adults who still live in their parent's basement. One of my greatest professional failures and embarrassments. ;)

The "maybe people will remember this quote when I'm gone" section:

"MAD held nothing sacred. It's mission was to piss people off and expose the hypocrisy of our culture. The more MAD pushed, the more excited people became that they were the target. When we would compare a certain brand to poison or animal excrement, the CEO himself would be on the phone asking to buy the original artwork and singing love songs to us. That's when it was time to call it quits."

Contributing Editor and Industry Undercover Snitch
Art Direction Magazine
January 1991 - March 1994

John Doe columns exploring the seamy underbelly of the graphic art industry and outing the worst offenders of professional decency. People lost jobs, companies crumbled, women ate their own babies. It was beautiful and orgasmic.

The "maybe people will remember this quote when I'm gone" section:

"It is the checks and balances of the press that keep most people honest. If they are not honest, then at least there's a record of their lies. It's that record that allows us to grind them into the dirt, destroy their lives and generally to have something to chat about with them when we see them socially in the future."

Freelance victims include: The Arizona Republic, The New York Daily News, The New York Times, New York Newsday, Crain's New York, FOX Newscorp, Process Magazine, Metro, RJ Reynolds and American Express Publishing.

Contact me!

The Best Recommendations That Money Can Buy!

"Speider's quips always leave me in hysterics. Much too funny for greeting cards. Much too funny for Saturday Night Live. There needs to be a new comedy show for him to write (preferably not in prime time!)."
— Anthony Pafford, Creative Process Specialist II, Hallmark Cards, Inc.

"Do you want words? Do you want them to be *funny* words? Speider knows all about words, how to make them funny, and even how to string them together into intelligible sentences! He'll shock and entertain and scandalize all while deftly slipping your marketing messages into the unwitting minds of your new customers. If you want boring and safe, go somewhere else. If you want what works, this is your man."
— Joshua Jeffryes, President, J. Jeffryes Design, Inc.

"You may not agree with Speider's politics, which can be so far to the left that communists quake in fear, or so far to the right that conservatives switch parties but he always makes an argument that makes you think. He's one of a kind!"
— G. Robert (Bob) Bishop, President, Executive Recruiter, Bishop Partners, LLC

"There's a method behind Speider's MAD-ness. We were just too afraid to find out what it was and let him create without boundaries."
— David Erwin, Executive Creative Director, DC Comics/Warner Bros. Entertainment

"Speider was always a great contributor in brainstorms. He would never disappoint when it came to humor, and though at times a bit much for Hallmark sensibilities, he was an asset to every project. His solutions were always clever and well received. He is a seasoned veteran in the design world, industrious, dedicated and unique in personality."
— Tom Best, Digital Sculptor/Concept Illustrator-Keepsake Ornaments, Hallmark Cards, Inc.

"I knew Speider was too cruel for MAD Magazine. Imagine what I thought when he did work for me!? It was absolutely brilliant but I bit my nails, awaiting the final product. Better to just let him run with it and watch in fascination as his thought process unfolds."
— Mark DiGiovanni, Creative Manager, Golden Books Family Entertainment

"Speider's writing talent is one of a kind. Thank goodness!"
— Helena Grossberg, DHL Global

"I've known Speider for many years and he's not at all frightening. He's kind to small animals and children and will hate that I'm revealing this. He is a very funny person and talented writer. If he just stayed off motorcycles he wouldn't have so many scars."
— Del Martin, Founding Partner, Alexander Haas

"They say there is no great ability without a mixture of madness. That explains Speider. His packaging copywriting would sell water to a drowning man -- and he would do that with glee!"
— Steven Strumpf, Parker Bros.

"I hired Speider for some branding copy, and the first thing he sent was right on target. Then he suggested the funniest copy that was hilarious ... but totally unusable. He said he had to give me more because accepting the first round was just too easy. A pleasure to work with and a brilliant writer. I have followed his articles ever since; they are funny and poignant."
— Jaye Goldberg, Conglomo