Driving Sales With Humor

Posted: by Speider Schneider in Labels: , , , ,
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One of my favorite writing projects is humorous openings for sales pitches. These were for a car dealership. With all the exciting content of oil changes and tire pressure, a bit of humor sets the readers up for content that is less than instructional and informative... it's just not miles of laughs.
Here's a few of my favorite intros:

My grandfather had a unique way to fix his car. Usually it consisted of kicking the tires, pounding on the roof, cursing at the ghost of Henry Ford and walking back into the house mumbling until Matlock came on and he could yell at the TV. He had the same method fixing tanks during the war. Thank goodness he was on the enemy’s side!

Just kidding! Fixing your car has come a long way since my grandfather’s days in the American Revolution, so here’s some tips to help you fix some problems and still catch the beginning of Matlock. In this issue:


My grandmother called me in a panic because her car wouldn’t start. I drove over, a bit relieved she wasn’t somewhere on the road, lessening the chance she would be the driver who would smash into me…while I was still in the garage. When I got over to her house, I quickly saw her battery was dead.

“Your battery is dead,” I told her. She disappeared into her house and came back with a flashlight and opened it.
“Here,” she said. “Use one of these!” 

Make sure you have the facts when fixing your car…like it needs AA batteries to start! In this issue:


It was one tough winter! Spring has sprung and it’s time to check under the hood for damaged tubing, fluid levels and to investigate any odd clicking, groaning or squeaks…and when you get back from the doctor, let us check out your auto for the same problems!

In this healthy issue:

When I was a kid, my uncle bought a great big, new sedan and he was so protective of it, my cousin and I weren’t even allowed to look at it. My cousin was a huge James Bond fan so he decided to use my uncle’s label maker to put labels on all the dashboard instruments like, “oil slick,” “machine guns” and “ejector seat.” Back then, those labels didn’t come off. My uncle was furious but he had the coolest spy car, driving to the military school he put my cousin in.

Top secret… in this issue:


I gave my son his first driving lesson the other day. I was concerned because he generally has trouble paying attention. After giving him a twenty minute speech on safety and paying attention on the road and to other drivers, he says, “in this video game, you can get to the next level by pushing the left and right button at the same time and…” He went on for twenty minutes. For public safety, I’m buying him a bus pass.

Speaking of safety, in this issue:


Don’t you hate when people pull into a parking space but the rear part of their car sticks into the spot next to it? There’s a company that makes real-looking, fake parking tickets with nasty comments you can check off and leave on their windshield. The next best thing to subjecting them to police brutality!

I’ve included a link below. Less pranky, in this issue:


If you’re like me, a car is an important part of your life. When autos were first mass-produced, some people bought a car instead of a bathtub. They said “you can’t go into town on a Saturday night in a bathtub!”

Today, if you own a convertible, you can do both. Let’s “come clean” with some tips for your car. In this issue:


Brrr! Have you noticed this winter has been tough on our cars, with all of the corrosive road salts and battery draining, freezing temperatures. Mother Nature should be charged with “a-salt and battery!”

Your car is the victim and we’re the fix-it police. Here’s some tips for your car maintenance, so “chill” and read on! In this issue:


Who will win the upcoming Oscars? Well, at our place, your car is the STAR…without the paparazzi up-skirt shots and horrid tabloid headlines! Here’s some Oscar-winning tips for the thing that has a huge “roll” in your life. The envelope, please. And, in this issue:


I think it was either Ben Franklin or some guy from Texaco that said, “oily” to bed and “oily” to rise means you’re the first in line for the best deal on our oil change…or you need a better brand of soap! If we’re “oil” aboard, let’s slide on over to this month’s car tips. In this issue:


Want something like this for your e-newsletter? Just contact me and see how my humor can "drive" sales for you!


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